Virtual Strangers, Family and adoption

I wasn't even going to publish this post, I was just going to do my usual and write it as my therapy. I usually put down on paper how I feel about something in a bare honest way, it helps me rationalise things, and gives me space to think and change my views on something. 

After all none of our ideas and opinions are fixed, they can change from one day to the next day, talking about things usually puts things in perspective, writing my thoughts and feelings down as if speaking to myself helps me to see what it is I am actually seeing and feeling and thinking. 

I don't usually post those writings but this one I felt was worth posting.

Someone made a comment on my post about using my experiences in life to help others in similar situations, I hadn't quite picked up which part of my past experiences she meant, I automatically thought about the abuse side of the story but it got me to think about the adoption side of the story and one that is very seldom heard.

Children who are removed from their family or common ancestral roots, for whatever reason, to be adopted into another family, to become a part of a common group of people, who are a unit of people, who all have that common ancestry, apart from the adopted child, is a complex issue and the effects of that on the adopted child when they become adults are very seldom recognised or understood.

Identity to anyone is an integral part of each and every one of our lives, who we are makes us, family is an essential ingredient to any identity.

Family as defined means all descendants of a common ancestor meaning the birth family and a second definition is parents and children living as one unit or a group, there are a few definitions of what is family, all this dictates how people learn important life skills and beliefs

The concept of family is often debated and you will often hear people voice the opinion that their friends serve as a better family than anyone who they are related to by blood.

Sociological imagination, defined as the ability to see the societal patterns that influence both the individual and groups of individuals. He believed that in order to understand the experience of a given person or group of people, it was necessary also to consider and understand the social and historical context in which they lived (Mills 1959). 

 A good book to read is  Sociology of Families by David M. Newman this book begins at the level of the individual by examining familiar contemporary issues ¾ topics students are likely to feel strongly about. David Newman and Liz Grauerholz next show students the deeper and more detailed sociological underpinnings of the issues at hand, using the theories and data of social sciences to understand the meaning and broader relevance of these controversies and experiences.

Back to my own experiences, adoption is something that has shaped me and my relationship to others, throughout my life, I have two birth sisters, both older, one I will call 'M', who I get on very well with or as well as can be expected for adopted sisters as far as I am concerned, she may have a different opinion and hate my guts, but as far as I know, we have a good relationship and I love her to bits, but in contrast the other which I will call 'I'...not so much.

 

The outcome from a strange random abusive posts attack on my facebook page by 'I', exclaiming that the name in use was not my name but her name and why was I using it, I obviously replied ' because it is on my birth certificate so I assume that makes it my name, this resulted in me blocking her from my facebook and in reality ultimately from my life.

Our common bond growing up was broken at a few months old when I was taken for adoption and moved many miles away to live life in another city, I never even knew she existed until I was in my late 20's, I never grew up longing for a sister I never knew because I had no idea she even existed and quite often I wish it could go back to that blissful ignorant state, as it is far less complicated emotionally than knowing you have a sister that you cannot bond with.

Some would think this was a sad situation for two sisters to fight like this and this being the result, but sadly we are only sisters in the definition of descendants of the common ancestor, everything else that makes us family has never existed and never will, that was removed when those adoption papers were signed.

She is a virtual stranger to me and I have only probably met her a handful of times in my entire life, there are no significant life events that have been shared between us, we have never spent a Christmas together, or birthdays, or holidays, or weddings, or births. 

The only event we shared was our mothers death and even then my sister had issues brewing all throughout the event, until we finally got to a point where we got back to getting on with our lives after the funeral, despite not agreeing on mum being on the the Liverpool care pathway (see here what it is apart from being horrific) that my sister put my mum on, I spoke to a nurse about getting her off it, but I was ignored as the sister had legal rights and say.

I handled all that by sitting back and letting the sister deal with it the way she wanted as none of that was of much importance to me, after the fact that my mum had just had her time on this earth shortened by a few people who didn't think her life was worth anything and therefore decided to starve her to death for two weeks. 

It would have been kinder if they treated her like a dog and gave her a lethal injection, moaning over small details of the funeral seemed a pointless exercise at this point, even down to the cremation which the sister insisted on, despite mum wanting a burial with her late husband, I just let it be and let the sister deal with it all, mum was gone, I was just there to say my goodbye's, I just made sure her ashes were scattered on her late husband's grave later on. 

So the only event I have ever shared with her, wasn't exactly  a good one.

I don't even know who her partner or husband is or even if she is married or if she is single.

I know she has two boys, but I know nothing about them, apart from one who I see on facebook, other than their facebook posts I know nothing about them or her, I have no idea if she works or does not, I have no idea who her best friend is or even where she lives other than a general area.

I don't even know her birthday other than she is ten years older than me, she holds no great significance or importance in my life in any way shape or form.

She has never been there in times of sorrow or times of joy, she is just there on the other end of my facebook, perched on the end of my facebook friends list and that is about as much as we have got.

If I email her to make a connection, the email usually goes ignored, resulting in me rarely wasting too much time even bothering writing a quick 'Hi how ya doing to her facebook.

It has become clear over the years that she has some kind of issue with me just by me walking on this Earth, just by breathing, I offend her for some reason. Sadly as she has never bothered to communicate those issues to me, other than chatting bubbles to other people behind my back, rather than to my face, she has just slowly become a person that I have very little in common with, other than the same birth mother, and from what I have experienced of her so far, she is not even someone I would choose to be friends with.

knowing she is my sister, doesn't add any advantage to my life, she is not a person I would call on for any advice or assistance in times of need, she is just there through fate of birth, an estranged sister, a casualty of the adoption concept. I lost all hope and knew long ago that our relationship would never be anything other than estranged sisters, I have come to terms with that and am happy to move forwards feeling happier I will have no more of these strange outburst on my facebook wall from this virtual stranger.

What the abuse and the adoption taught me about life is, that if someone wants to abuse you in any way, then there is nothing to stop you from walking away and cutting that person off, no matter who they are. 

Life is too short to get bogged down in other people's issues, especially issues that they alone can deal with, as most often that issue they are dealing with is about them and not about you.

You can only be responsible for yourself and your own life, making yourself miserable because someone else is, is not a great way to live.

Below are some links for support services for adults of adoption:-


After Adoption
Adoption Services for Adults
PAC UK 

For further reading:-

Adoption books for adults

 

Diversity in Childrens Books

One thing I hear a lot about is the lack of diverse books for children, I have written previously on the subject of diversity and my previous posts include Honest Books about slavery for children and Racism In Childrens Books.

The issue with diverse books for children is one that has been noticed and there are a few organisations trying to change that. A recent article by Huff Post entitled 'Tackling diversity in children's books 'highlights the National Deaf Children’s Society who work tirelessly to change the situation and the Guardians recent post regarding the All-white Carnegie medal longlist provokes anger from children's authors where some writers have called for a boycott of the awards.

There is a snowballing collection of voices gathering pace out there about the lack of diversity in children's literature, and initiatives are growing in the UK as it is in the USA, were there are grants available by organisation such as We Need Diverse Books who are offering $2500 Internship Grants, awarded to each of eleven diverse publishing and agency interns, this is now running into it's third successful year.

Initiatives in the UK such as the Megaphone based in Birmingham, is a new writer development scheme for Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic writers who want to write their first novel for children, there are a number of positive initiatives on the boil, along with the voices that have already spoken we are seeing movement in the right direction, publishers and a number of various organisations are taking calls to action, what we need are those talented writers of diverse literature to step forwards and start applying for some of the grants available such as those on the Whitefox website that provides an index of grants available to writers in UK and Ireland.

In the mean time while we wait for the plethora of talented writers to arrive here is a short list of places that offer a diverse range of children's books.

Letterbox Library - Letterbox Library is committed to celebrating equality and diversity in the very best children's books

Sweet Apple Books - Aims to publish high quality books that reflect the world we live in.

Fire Tree Books - Produce a range of books that feature children who are under-represented in books

Mirrors Windows Doors - Mirrors Windows Doors (MWD) is an online magazine whose aim is to draw attention to the riches of children’s and YA books from across the world that highlight cultural and multi-cultural diversity.

I hope this article has been helpful and you are either inspired to write a diverse child's book and apply for some of those grants available or it has helped you to open up your access to some of those diverse children's books, all be it not enough diversity as of yet, but watch this space, diversity in children's books is on the rise.

Religious Education

For our religious education we have started to visit different places of worship.

We recently visited a Mosque and a Sikh Temple and in the next few weeks we have visits planned to a Buddhist Temple, Synagogue and an Orthodox Church.

The work we will be doing is on a compare and contrast method, we will be looking at the start dates of the religions, the differences in what they believe, customs and traditions etc etc etc.

It is a nice introduction to world religions.

How I manage work as a home educator.

The things that go in my favour to allow me to work from home is that I am a single parent so I have no partner to worry about and that I need very little sleep, also home educating makes life even easier in terms of time.

My working day can consist of many working hours combined with family living, some of our sourcing days come when we are out grocery shopping, we will nip into the local charity shops and kill two birds with one stone by searching for educational supplies and things for the kids as well as eBay stock.

We recently had a wonderful experience with one of the clients who had a 101 year old neighbour, whilst we were collecting the clients items to list on eBay on consignment, we had the great fortune to do a project with the neighbour and interview him about his life.

Most of my work  is done in an evening, I will list from around 7pm when the kids are starting to get ready for bed, they are at the age where they like to bath alone and sort their own pyjamas out so I get some free time to start my photography, once they are in bed at about 8:30 either reading or sleeping I have free reign until about 11pm to list what I have photographed. Once 11pm hits I can then start on the picking for dispatch. I usually end the day with some general tidying up and rearranging the stock in the stock room at around 1.30-2am so I know what I have to list the next day.

The morning will generally start around 7.30 or sometimes earlier if I have one of those usual insomnia nights and end up getting up around 5-6.30, where I check if there are any messages that need answering and start making sure things are ready for dispatch and printing labels.

The kids usually get up around 9:30 and we have breakfast together and clean up the kitchen for the day. We then make sure the postage is ready and head off to drop off the post, once back from post dropping they start on some Maths or English or whatever it is they have planned academically for the day, we all sit together and whilst I am doing some listing they work on their education for a couple of hours, usually I do very little listing and the kids get my full attention whilst helping them with their academics.

This is a typical day, but we have days where they have clubs to attend twice a week so whilst my planned day is a 14 hour working day 7 days a week with ebay this works well, as some days I do less hours due to other commitments but I never have to feel guilty for loosing a few hours of the 14 hour working day as some days I take a few hours off if they have a home education event to go to or we are meeting with friends, the way I work is very flexible. 

When we go to clients or sourcing it feels more of a social event than work and some days when I am sourcing online I manage to get other household things done or things done with the kids listening to the online auctions and paying attention when the item I want comes up, baking cake with the kids and listening to auctions is an interesting task.

My most intense time during the month is when I do the accounts for the clients at the end of the month, for three days I spend working on my Maine Bookkeeping clients accounts doing payroll and book keeping and then work on the Maine Trading Consignment accounts where I have to split the invoice and work out commissions and charges, these are time sensitive and require concentration and accuracy. Nothing can get in the way of those days, day trips and friend visits are avoided. Those are the only days that cannot be interrupted by outside events.

eBay has become more of a part of life, constantly sourcing and learning about business.

It works great for me because for both the book keeping clients and the eBay clients pick ups the kids come with me and working from home allows me to fit what I do during the day and night around the kids needs all whilst avoiding huge childcare bills.

Doing eBay is very social, you are not stuck behind a computer screen all day, the collections of stock from suppliers or customers or charity shops means a lot of time is spent socialising with people, there is always new people to meet and stories to hear and people to learn from, so it may seem to some as a very isolated kind of business to run but in fact is the very opposite.

Ideally I could do with a second pair of hands to do more listing as listing is the most essential part, without listing nothing gets sold and no money is made.

That should be one of my priorities this year, to get a second pair of hands to do some listing for a couple of hours each week.

I have started an ebay blog all about my ebay escapades so why not pop along there and see if you can get some handy tips on ebaying, ask questions and find out how you could fit an eBay business into your life to raise some extra cash.