One of the worst things to happen to me in my life is loosing someone close to suicide.
It is the one thing in my life that I cannot come to terms with, the pain never gets any easier and the guilt always overshadows me in the background of my life.
That feeling of 'if only I could have done something differently, said something differently or even said something I didn't say that I should have said..
I knew the person in question was struggling to a degree, I just did not know the deep depth of that despair.
In my heart I feel like I abandoned him in his hour of need, this person brought light into my life and I should have brought light into his.
He made my life worth living at times when I felt there was nothing to live for, he was the kind of person who was there for everyone when they needed him, he was the life and soul of any party.
I knew he had financial problems, he spoke to me about them briefly, he had been made redundant from his job that he loved but it didn't take long for him to find another job, he was a talented Gas Engineer, he loved his work and took great pride in what he did.
My heart to this day breaks and I cannot seem to put the pieces back together again, I miss him every day and despite a decade passing by I still feel like I lost him yesterday.
Sometimes I will just sit and cry for hours with the sadness of the life that he never had, the grandson that he never got to play with. He would be so proud of his daughter, she is a beautiful strong young woman and a fabulous mother to her son, he would have loved life, if only he could have seen beyond the dark days that obviously haunted him behind that smile and those witty comments that he gave everyone.
I miss his tacky huge chain he used to wear and the way he used to douse himself in aftershave which made you choke with the fumes because he put that much on, I miss his wit and crudeness, I miss his clumsy but caring warm nature, he made me laugh with his jokey ways and silly antics, he was a special person and no one has come close to filling that gaping gap that he has left me with.
He has left me with a wound that will never heal and I wish every day that I could have done something differently so that he would still be here today to give me one of those amazing warm hugs of his, I have never met anyone that can hug like he could, he made me feel so warm and safe in those bug clumsy arms of his.
My heart is broken and I will never put those pieces back together again, I miss him so badly, life has never been the same since he went away.
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